So here's what I think. I had this whole New Age spirituality thing going on, mixed in with a bit of feminist thinking, meaning I had read Elaine Pagels and pretty much found her view of Gnostic Christianity to be appealing, as well as that of anyone else who subscribed to a theological system that could include female deities, or "God as Mother" imagery. I was heavily reading a variety of world mythologies, and marveled at any that elevated feminine aspects to the level of the divine, while otherwise still oppressing women socially and culturally. In my enthusiasm, I had hung a poster of Lilith up in my office at Miami University (in Jewish mythology she was Adam's first wife, who gets supplanted by Eve, and then roams the earth as an evil spirit, stealing children). It was seeming to me that every woman throughout the
history of
mankind who rebelled against the social norms of culture, or who made her spouse/lover unhappy, had to be turned into some form of evil demi-god (
and be labeled a child hater, as nothing could be worse than a woman who doesn't really like kids; and you could see how I might relate to
that!). And believe me, if I could have found a poster of Medusa, I would have hung her right up there on my wall beside Lilith! Okay, so I was a bit of a theological liberal. And then there was my belief in reincarnation. Well, suffice it to say that it had ceased appealing to me that getting only one chance to "get it right" or else, when so many people had suffered such oppressed lives and who were more or less on survival mode (and if you've read any theories on social evolution, you understand how regretfully real this all is), then maybe if they had another chance (or chances), they might be born into different circumstances that could be potentially more conducive to living morally upright lives! I thought that even I, as imperfect as I was, would probably give at least some people that chance (granted, I would probably only pick out the ones I thought I could like, or who might improve themselves in my time frame according to my ideals; okay, so no one would ever appoint me as god!). But still! It made me feel like I could breathe easier and longer! And so could everyone else. So now, enter
J. This is maybe what he meant about it not being "prudent" to see me. Plus, there was the fact that he found me so doggone sexually appealing (I was still only 29 when we met), and maybe even challenging! (And he would hate it that I might point this out.)
